so yeah, for anyone who doesn't know, I'm pretty sure i qualify as pothead now.
It helps alot with stress, depression, school, work, pretty much everything.
Im actually kina proud to be a stoner, and anyone who looks down on me for enjoying a gift of nature can kiss my ass. I love to smoke weed and get high. No it doesn't make me lazy, no it doesn't hurt me as work or anything like that, it just lets me deal with my problems and get through my life with a big ass goofy smile on my face.

Normally this is where i spill out an overly emotional, unprovoked, poorly edited, grammatically terrifying sob story about the ups and downs of my life. Something along the lines of how I've had some kind of experience that has kept me from posting, tormented me emotionally, sidetracked my goals, kept me busy, ect... (not to say that those things didn't happen) but the truth of the matter is that I just haven't been giving much of a shit lately.

So why am I posting you ask? (if your asking)
It's because I'm incredibly bored.
and jacked up on Mountain Dew.
and feeling emo as hell.
trying to reach out
to express myself
to let it out
to say I'm
depressed
wound up
pensive
angry
cold


ah who gives a damn why am i even typing this?

ahhh, my parents left me in charge of their house while they are away in Boston for the week. This means i have a nice big comfy house, a refrigerator full of food + the food money they left me, and internet/cable. Its rather nice, and all i have to do in return is watch their little dog for a couple of days.

I've been living without internet or television for a a few weeks now, and i no longer miss them. I spend what little free time i have by reading, currently the twilight series, and meditating. I can hardly wait until school starts up again, i will no longer have to work 40+ hour a week, which means i will have the energy to work out again, oh how i miss training....

But most importantly i will be around people again, new classes means new classmates, and new opportunities to make friends. Hopefully no one will think of me as too strange...

If anyone other than myself still reads my posts, and wants to hangout some time, call me or shoot me a text message sometime, my number is on my facebook page in case you lost or deleted it at some point.

well off to work with me :)

So yeah, Tetsu just gave me and one of the cooks the boot. Apparently mikawa is on the verge of shutting down due to lack of business, and as a last ditch effort to save his sinking ship, tetsu fires people.

Its all good though, I just switched to being full time at Autozone, and was going to quit Mikawa anyway, but it just sucks get laid off.

Here I am again.
Sitting in my room on my computer.
I struggle for motivation to do even the smallest of tasks.
I fight off depression and anxiety, just to have them attack the next day.
I stare out of my window and feel the deep emptiness echo painful memories in my heart.
I sit and wonder as my cigarette burns, do I really have a place in this world? Do i have no greater purpose other than to further push the wheels of consumer America until my death? Buy this, buy that, watch news, drive car, work job, walk on sidewalk, die a meaningless death after living a meaningless life.

I am a freak? Is it normal to sit and watch the world run its course like a machine, while you sit idle as the extra cog?

My ancestors didn't have this problem.
They were warriors. They lived to serve the will of their Daimyo. So far all i have served is myself, and poorly at that. I feel misplaced here, in this time, in this world, in this life. But what choice do i have?

We all struggle for meaning, its part of being human. We all struggle to define ourselves. Some accomplish this goal by a title, others by family, some with money, conquest, patriotism, faith, or just by their hobby. I have tried all of these and still feel empty.

I search for distraction from it, and it works sometimes. Hard to think about your feelings of rejection and alienation from society when you're working all the time. or playing, or training, or skating, or eating, or studying. but it's in these quiet hours of my day, when i set down the mask society has me wear, that i look into the mirror and realize that there is little to nothing left of what i truly am. I have so conformed to the mask that my true face is gone. My soul laid bare to be eroded by the sands of time.

But i will not die that easily, i am not so quickly defeated. I will continue to fight, and search, and do so with all of my being. My life will not be another sad story. I will find my place. I will find my purpose, my destiny, no matter where it leads me.

Current Music: the music in that video

I just called in sick to work tonight, I've got a sore throat, a bad cough, and some allergy symptoms. I'm not sure what i have but i am sure that i am miserable right now. I'll be passed out at my apartment if anyone wants to know.

For some reason I'm fighting off suicidal thoughts right now. I'm not sure what brought these thoughts about, probably the fact that im rather miserable. I'm fighting a cold, my grades have gone to hell, im poor, my brother is always arguing with me. UGHHH, and now i realize im a fucking hypocrite as well, my last post said how i will no longer bitch and moan, that didn't last very long did it?

I feel helpless right now. I'm one paycheck away from homelessness. My father says he'll help me, but the last time he said that, he just bitched at me more, called it motivation.

I feel utterly worthless. I have been kicking my own ass training 4-6 times a week so I could lose weight, i look in the mirror, and im the same ugly fat fuck i was 8 months ago.

fuck me. Ugh, i hate this shit.

Looks like im gonna have to quit Mikawa soon, for real this time, lol. I will hopefully become a shift manager at my other job before the end of summer. YAY possible promotion!
My brother, who i stuck my head out massively for, who moved up here and got an apartment with me, who owes me a few hundred bucks, who has treated me like shit since we moved in together, has decided that he doesn't like it here and is gonna sell off his stuff and move back down to our hometown and leave me high and dry to pay the full rent and utility bill soon. And there isn't anything i can do about it. Up side is that now my girlfriend can now start to move in, if she chooses to. If not, it'll still be nice to have that big a place all to myself. Either way, I'm gonna need more furniture.

I'm generally rather happy right now, by all accounts i shouldn't be though. My grades are quickly headed to the shitter, im drowning in debt, im broke as hell, my father and brother Josh are the only people in my family i can stand to speak to at this point. It seems like everyone in the world has a problem with me. And if it was the same problem with each person, then i'd fix it. But it seems that my existence in general just bugs the hell out of people. so, FUCK 'EM.

I've decided that once i have my degree, I'm gonna join the Marine Corps. I have alot of reasons for this, most of which people either fight me on or disagree with, but goddamn it its my life and I believe its the right thing to do, so im gonna do it.

As usual the world hates me, but for once, I'm not in agreement. I don't want to come off as arrogant or anything, i have a large share of personal flaws and am rather fucked up in the head. Its just that I love myself now, and no one's opinion of me is gonna change that.

So, I'm gonna stop bitching about my problems. On here, and to the people who are kind enough to be my friends. Because no matter how much i bitch and moan about it, the only thing that changes my life, are my actions. And I've probably been bringing people down with all my negativity.

its nice to get on lj and just rant sometimes, even though i know it probably won't be read by anyone.

SHIT I'm tired. So yesterday/last night/early this morning was pretty interesting. It started off with me going to work yesterday at 11. After I got there, I found out that we changed our operating hours and i wouldn't be getting off at 8 oclock per usual, I would now have to stay until 9pm on sundays and 10pm every other day of the week. This kinda pissed me off to begin with but I'll live.

So anyway I'm working my usual stuff just waiting to get off at 9ish. Then when 9 o'clock rolls around the store manager comes in and gives me an ultimatum. Either I can go home and face the possibility of getting fired for taking the day before off, or, I can stay late and work with him to move alot of brake rotors and watch the guys who where waxing the floor to make sure they do their job/ don't steal shit. Now when he gave me this ultimatum he told me that i would be working until around midnight or 1am a the latest.

Long story short the guys waxing the floor take forever because they are 2 people short. So while they are doing their thing my boss decides that me and him are gonna get some shit done. So we start working on the layout/setup of the brake rotor shelves. Flash forward 2 hours and we have moved over 4 FUCKING TONS or brake rotors up and down latter by hand. We didn't get out of work until 5AM this morning.

So to say the least I'm pretty tired. I slept through my math class this morning, to which i hope i dont get kicked out for absences. But the up side to all of this is that I got to to talked on a man to man basis with my boss for about 6 hours last night. Now, I'm going to be leaving the majority of my shifts at Mikawa to go work at Autozone.

I should have my Dad's suzuki to drive again soon, so my car problems will finally be OVER WITH. And the suzuki will only be temperary though, because i plan on buying either a new(ish) Honda Civic or an Acura RSX!